Archive for the ‘Fun Facts’ Category:
Quotes To Live By
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Â Â Â Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the pigeon; some days you’re the statue.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
30 Minutes To A Cleaner House
You’re getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can’t be whipped into shape in 30 days–much
less 30 minutes–employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning.
Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is
intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it
handy for plumbing repairs, but it’s a great way to hem
drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no
fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens
represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which
means they’re a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty
clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight
when company’s coming.
Time: 2 minutes
What A Difference 31 Years Make
1970: Wore long hair
2001: Longing for hair
1970: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high.
2001: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Finding a friend to split the price of a keg.
2001: Finding a friend to take me to have an EKG.
1970: Sitting through sessions of Acid Rock.
2001: Sitting through sessions of Acid Reflux.
1970: Thinking of moving to a real kool place.
2001: Thinking of moving to a real warm place.
1970: News stories of people growing pot.
2001: The reality of growing a pot belly.
1970: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with my mother and sister.
2001: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with my grown children.
1970: Trying to look like Richard Roundtree or Ron O’Neal.
2001: Trying NOT to look like Richard Roundtree or Ron O’Neal.
1970: Chewing on seeds and stems.
2001: Chewing on lots of roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2001: Popping joints, needing those pills.
1970: Noting our president’s struggle with Fidel.
2001: Noting our president’s struggle with fidelity.
1970: Admiring JACK PAAR.
2001: Joining AARP
1970: Avoiding Killer weed.
2001: Avoiding Weed killer.
1970: Hoping to “get lucky” on a date.
2001: Hoping you won’t catch anything from your “lucky” date.
1970: Reading about The Grateful Dead.
2001: Reading about Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2001: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Listening to the Rolling Stones.
2001: Struggling with Kidney stones.
REAL Women Versus Ladies..
 Got any ideas how you’ll differentiate Ladies from Real Women??
Read On..
LADIES- If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.â€
REAL WOMEN- If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking; that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.â€
LADIES- Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMEN- Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares!
LADIES- Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
REAL WOMEN- Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.
LADIES- To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
REAL WOMEN- Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don’t have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.
25 Signs that Your Getting OLD
1. You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
THE BIRTH OF YAHOO
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .
And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?â€
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?â€
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).â€
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, “There will be a lot of banging in the land.â€
What Gender Is It?
If you’re like most people, common everyday items look neutral to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example………
1) Ziploc Bags — Male, because they hold everything in but you can
see right through them.
2) Copier — Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire — Male, because it goes bald and often it’s over inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon — Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
Credit Card Applications
So you have received a credit card application? You know what it says, but do know what it really means?
What it says: “You have demonstrated financial responsibility…”
What it means: You’re breathing!
What it says: “Our membership is difficult to obtain…”
What it means: Death row prisoners are not eligible… in most states!
What it says: “We have shortened the application process…”
What it means: “We need lots of new members fast or we’ll go out of business!”
What it says: “You have no predetermined credit limit…”
What it means: “We’re not worried, we employ the Break Your Legs collection agency.”
What it says: “Exceptional Customer Service…”
What it means: Except when you need it!
What it says: “Trained customer representatives await your call…”
What it means: “This is the part you talk into, and this is where you listen. Any questions?”
What it says: “To apply for membership, fill out this short form…”
What it means: You’ll get the long form later.
Handsoap.. Anyone?
I stumbled upon this weird looking handsoap here..
this is actual soap.
shaped like little hands!
each ‘hand’ is hand made.
wash your hands with hands.
the soaps range from 1/2†to 2â€Â.
it’s goat’s milk glycerin & has a light scent.
really quite lovely!
comes in a pretty bag… all ready for gifting to a friend with dirty paws!generally ships withing 4-6 days.
if this item is sold out back orders will take an extra week to complete.
FACTS OF LIFE
- if your father is a poor man, it is your fate, but if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity.
- If you are born ugly blame your parents, if you died ugly blame your doctor.
- I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
- Practice makes perfect…..But nobody’s perfect……so why practice?
- If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?
- Money is not the only thing, it’s everything.
